Never promise confidentiality
Of course, we all know that if there is any possibility of a pupil doing themselves harm then we simply cannot keep their confidentiality – it could put both the pupil, and your job, in jeopardy. However, you can be sure that if a pupil does build up the courage to talk to you about their eating disorder, then one of their first pleas will be ‘Please don’t tell anyone!’
It can feel frustrating not being able to succumb to this caveat and it always feels entirely possible that you will lose the pupil’s hard-earned trust if you refuse, but being upfront and honest now will pay dividends in the long run. If you promised to keep their trust then broke that promise, the fall-out would be far greater than if you tell a few difficult home truths now.
Involve the pupil
In order to retain the pupil’s trust you need to involve them in the process of informing others – always consider who, what, why and how with the pupil before you disclose details of their difficulties to anyone else.
WHO should you talk to?
Discuss with the pupil who you think needs to be told about their difficulties. This list will depend on your school’s policies and procedures and how advanced the pupil’s eating disorder is, but people who you might want to consider informing are:
- The pupil’s parents
- The person with lead responsibility for eating disorders in your school, this may be the child protection officer, the head of pastoral care or the head teacher.
- The pupil’s form tutor
- School nurse / counselor
- A close friend of the pupil
WHY should you talk to them?
Talk to the pupil about why or why not specific people should be told about their eating difficulties. You are likely to come up against a lot of opposition when you suggest telling their parents as pupils are often concerned about worrying their parents or think they will be upset or angry. Eating disorders are a very secretive illness and it will have taken a huge amount of courage for the pupil to have confided in you, so the thought of telling other people will terrify them. You need to be able to give justifications for sharing the information with each new person. These may include:
- You have to, it’s school policy that X should be told
- They will be able to offer support
- They may have been worrying about the pupil and will be relieved that steps are being taken to address things
- They need to know so they can make certain allowances for the pupil
WHAT will you say?
As well as agreeing who you should speak to and why, you should discuss with the pupil exactly what information will be shared. It’s likely that the pupil has told you a lot more than needs to be passed on and there may be some aspects of what they’ve shared that they consider to be embarrassing or highly personal and would prefer you left out when passing the information on. Between you and the pupil you should be able to agree what each person needs to know in order to be able to offer the most appropriate support or follow up. In general the pupil will feel happiest if you share a minimum of information, as they become more comfortable with talking about their eating disorder they may happily share more information.
HOW will you tell them?
Talk to the pupil about how the people you’ve agreed will be told about their eating disorder. Do they want you to pass on the information? Would they like to do it themselves? Would they like you to support them in having the conversation? Perhaps they’d like to work with you to write a letter if they think a face to face conversation would simply be too difficult. Think too about where the conversation should take place, at school? At home? Outside of school? All these seemingly small factors can make a huge difference to a pupil who is panicking about their secret ‘getting out’.
Allow the pupil to feel in control
The important thing about this process is that you’re enabling the pupil to feel like they’re retaining some control of the process. Of course you’ll have to do some steering to make sure that the appropriate people are informed, but if you work with the pupil and allow them to input into the process then they will feel like you’re on their side and that this process is happening with them not to them which is a very important distinction for someone who is coming to terms with an eating disorder – and whose symptoms are likely to be exacerbated any time they feel out of control.
Other posts you might find useful
Worried a pupil might have an eating disorder? When should you say something?
What should you say when a young person confides in you about their eating disorder?
Overcoming pupil objections to informing parents about their eating disorder
5 useful phrases when talking to someone with an eating disorder
