Posted 7 months ago
Hi Magic,
I am so sorry to hear about your son and so much of what you describes resonates with my experience. It is as if you have suddenly been shoved into a different harsh world where everything that has gone before has been stripped away. I hope that I can help a bit. I like you felt left in limbo by the nhs at first, I found it very difficult to find advice and guidance, I didn't find EDA in my darkest days I wish that I had, . Anyway I went on a learning mission and that would be my first advice to you to learn as much as you can about the illness, it's manifestations and how to behave around my daughter. I seldom managed to get it right at first mainly because I was so confused and so cross and looking to blame.
I can see that your son's comments may have influenced the situation but try not to blame him, it may have been a trigger but perhaps your son was perhaps lacking in confidence before that.
Controlling eating =controlling and numbing feelings and that is at the heart of eating disorders as far as I can see. The behaviours are common and as you read more and more you will see that - but the causes are individual - eating and weight restoration is the medicine but for that to happen your son will have to face the feelings that he is using the ED to numb. It was my daughter that had the ED, but I do also have a son and I know just how difficult it can be to get him to talk about anything especially his feelings, but I would suggest that that is what you need to do with your son, quite often it is easier to talk when you are doing something together almost incidentally - for example walking the dog, shopping, driving somewhere I suppose anywhere where his thoughts may be less focused on eating.
He will be petrified about eating and his anxiety levels will raise before, during and after mealtimes. So try to agree what the meals will be for the day maybe in the morning or the night before so that he knows what he is going to eat and when. Start with the portion sizes that he can cope with at the moment but each day try to get him to agree to increase the portion size even by a little bit and hopefully he will see that the world does not fall apart because he has eaten a little bit more. Also he probably has fear foods, he has probably cut out fats and high calories foods but please try to get him to eat something from each food group. Also another thought if you can it is good to have another distraction activity maybe playing a game of cards, after meals as his anxieties will be raised after eating as he is likely to feel guilty for eating .
Last bit of advice is for you, if you don't understand what the nhs are going then ask, if you don't like the answer then stand your ground, I sometimes had to dig my heels in to be listened to by the services, ED services vary across the country and I know that they are stretched but it is your child so please be prepared to fight for him, I am pretty sure that I made myself very unpopular if I didn't like the answer I would ask for the manager and then continue to press my point trying to be as fact based and unemotional as possible - that sounds harsh hopefully you wont need that advice.
To give you hope my daughter is now very far down the recovery path, it has taken a long time, there has been horrible dark days when I felt my heart would break, but I just kept my eye on the prize of having my daughter back to enjoy her life and that is what I have. wishing you the very best